I was sitting in church today, and I was dealing with two struggles. I later realized these two struggles were really one in the same. First off, the music this week, wasn't the smoothest. It didn't flow well, and the tempo was all over the place. I mean, you could just tell the team was struggling. I was standing there, singing the words thinking,
If she did this on the piano, it would be so much better!
Why doesn't he say something to her about that tempo?
They are not doing this song justice.
Then I thought. You know what? Just sing, Carey. Stop worrying about how they sound, and all the things they could do differently. Get over yourself.
So I did.
I decided to just sing the songs, and spend my time with Jesus. It was still hard though. I found myself distracted from worship because I was critiquing the Praise Team.
I'm not the perfect Worship Leader. I know that. I'm not even the most talented or knowledgeable on the subject. What makes me thing my way is better than another? Why am I so picky? You know I tell my teams every week.
I don't care if we get every tempo right, or hit all the right notes. Just worship. If you sing a wrong note, or rhythm, or we have phasing issues, just worship.” Why can't I apply that to myself when I am not leading? “It doesn't matter if the team is doing every thing right, or everything wrong. Just worship. If they get a rhythm wrong or sing off key, or have tempo issues – just worship!
So I tried to get over it. And I did to some extent, but I wasn't really there – where I should be in my heart.
Then came the sermon.
And the transition from the worship to the sermon was choppy and it made me cringe just a bit. Like, “AGH! The whole mood was ruined just then by how they did that one thing!” Seriously?! Obviously my heart attitude wasn't anywhere near where it needed to be.
Now, I love this preacher. He is more of teacher than a preacher, and usually I glean things from his sermons. But today I was really struggling with his style. He was preaching on the Grace of God, and I thought,
You need to be more dynamic, appeal to emotion more to really hammer this point!
So I stopped really listening and started thinking about how to tell him that he needed t o make this change. After a moment or two I heard this,
“Carey, does your deeper understanding of me hinge on your emotional connection?”
Yes
“Should it? Is my Word, my being, dependent on your emotion?”
No
“Emotion is important, but let my words, my Truth, affect your heart and mind, not the style of preaching.”
This kinda hit me hard. Who am I to tell this Pastor he isn't using enough emotion in his sermons? I mean, this man has spent all week studying and praying and studying and praying. And I know for a fact that it is his desire that God would speak through him, and only God's message would be taught. I don't know why I was so concerned about emotion. Sure, emotions have power and are useful, but are they everything? Of course not! I cannot make the foundation of my growth a set of emotions. God didn't write the Bible thinking, Hmm, I wonder if this is tailored enough to Carey's emotional roller coaster? God wrote the Bible thinking, What truth do I want (insert name here) to understand here?
You know what?
By the end of the sermon I was almost in tears.
Why? Because I decided to get over myself. I decided to just listen for what God wanted to tell me through this man. It didn't matter that this guy wasn't super emotional, or that his language was informal. He was communicating God's Truth to me. It was my job to shut up, and listen.
I'm still processing all that was said, once I started listening. There were some challenging points, a few knocks upside the head for me.
But the most important thing I think I am learning through all this, is that my current emotion and opinion on how things “ought to be done” doesn't really matter.
Just Worship.
And it definitely shouldn't keep me from actively listening for God's voice, whether it be through song or word.
